Part 1 Establishing Healthy Boundaries

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Transcript

WEBVTT
 
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 and Amelia Cole here,
 
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 Relationship Matters.
 
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 Listen,
 
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 we're gonna talk about establishing
 
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 healthy boundaries and how
 
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 important it is to
 
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 establish healthy
 
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 boundaries in your relationship.
 
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 So let's get ready for this teaching.
 
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 Hey.
 
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 So number one in
 
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 establishing healthy boundaries
 
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 In a marriage,
 
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 you have to have healthy boundaries.
 
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 Yes, absolutely.
 
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 It's important to have healthy boundaries.
 
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 And the first thing you
 
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 gotta do is you have to discuss them.
 
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 So we're gonna talk about
 
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 discussing healthy
 
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 boundaries in your relationship.
 
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 Now,
 
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 when it comes to these healthy
 
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 boundaries for each individual couple,
 
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 they will be different
 
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 because we are different individuals.
 
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 So for us, we had boundaries early on.
 
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 Well,
 
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 for many years we had no boundaries
 
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 and it showed in our
 
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 marriage because we had a
 
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 jacked marriage.
 
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 But once we got established
 
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 in trusting God for our
 
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 marriage and where our
 
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 marriage was concerned and
 
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 standing on the word of God,
 
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 we created some healthy boundaries.
 
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 And those boundaries were
 
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 just mandatory for us for many years.
 
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 And as you grow,
 
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 your boundaries will change.
 
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 And those are one of the things that we're,
 
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 again, we're going to talk about those,
 
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 boundaries and how they
 
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 change and how you adjust
 
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 to them in these sessions.
 
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 We hope you guys enjoy.
 
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 So the first thing you have
 
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 to do is you have to discuss them.
 
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 You have to discuss your
 
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 boundaries with your spouse,
 
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 your significant other,
 
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 the person you're dating or
 
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 the person you're in a relationship with.
 
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 You have to discuss those boundaries.
 
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 And in discussing those boundaries,
 
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 you have to be firm with them.
 
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 Yes,
 
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 you have to have those lengthy
 
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 conversations when it comes.
 
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 to being open and honest
 
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 with one another and
 
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 sharing your weaknesses
 
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 sharing your strengths you
 
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 have to be able to
 
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 communicate and discuss
 
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 openly with one another now
 
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 you don't want to be so
 
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 rude and uh
 
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 misunderstanding your spouse's
 
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 boundaries and and what
 
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 they may be because they're
 
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 not your boundaries or you
 
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 don't feel that way no
 
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 That's their boundaries and how they feel.
 
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 So be respectful when it
 
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 comes to sharing and
 
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 discussing each other's boundaries.
 
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 And you have to make sure
 
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 that those boundaries are realistic.
 
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 True.
 
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 You cannot have unrealistic boundaries.
 
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 Absolutely.
 
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 And you know what
 
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 unrealistic boundaries are,
 
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 but your spouse may not
 
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 know what those unrealistic
 
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 boundaries are.
 
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 So you have to talk about
 
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 real boundaries and
 
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 unrealistic boundaries when
 
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 you discuss them.
 
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 Now I know, see,
 
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 my husband has a great imagination.
 
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 Give us an example, sweetie,
 
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 of one of those.
 
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 unrealistic boundaries.
 
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 Well,
 
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 an unrealistic boundary is when you
 
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 tell your spouse they can't
 
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 look at someone else.
 
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 Or if you're with me,
 
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 you're not allowed to point
 
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 out if someone is nice
 
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 looking or handsome or cute,
 
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 or you don't want them
 
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 talking to the opposite sex
 
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 out of your presence,
 
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 or you don't want the
 
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 opposite sex talking to
 
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 your spouse at work.
 
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 Unrealistic boundaries.
 
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 So now that we're getting into control,
 
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 that is where...
 
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 red flags come up because
 
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 now we're trying to say,
 
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 you can't look at this individual.
 
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 You can't speak to them.
 
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 Next,
 
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 you're going to try to lock me in a
 
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 house and keep me there as your own.
 
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 That's a red flag.
 
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 That's a red flag, a fire, a fire alarm,
 
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 call the police.
 
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 That's a whole bunch of issues.
 
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 Absolutely.
 
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 So let's be sensitive about that.
 
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 discussing those boundaries
 
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 and making sure they are realistic.
 
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 Realistic boundaries.
 
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 And what are some realistic boundaries?
 
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 Realistic boundaries are
 
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 let's talk about situations
 
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 before we go into them.
 
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 Let's talk about purchases
 
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 before we make them.
 
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 Let's talk about the raising
 
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 of our children before we have them.
 
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 Realistic boundaries.
 
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 Let's talk about where do we want to live?
 
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 How do we want to live?
 
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 How much do we wanna make?
 
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 How much sex do we wanna have?
 
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 How much time do I get to
 
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 spend with my friends, my boyfriends?
 
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 How much time do I get to
 
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 spend or you get to spend
 
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 with your girlfriends?
 
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 How much time is allotted
 
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 for you to be individuals?
 
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 We have to talk about those boundaries.
 
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 Those are realistic boundaries.
 
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 And those realistic
 
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 boundaries are lengthy conversations,
 
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 ones that you should have
 
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 had before marriage.
 
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 We all didn't get that.
 
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 And we all didn't get counseling sessions,
 
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 premarital counseling sessions.
 
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 But now is the time.
 
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 Even if you did have those
 
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 discussions then,
 
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 they may have changed where you are now.
 
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 If you've been married any length of time,
 
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 you're growing together.
 
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 Those boundaries are changing.
 
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 Your desires are changing.
 
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 You as an individual is changing.
 
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 So you have to be open to share,
 
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 to continually share and
 
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 have conversations about these things.
 
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 So that's all a part of
 
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 discussing your healthy boundaries,
 
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 realistic boundaries with
 
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 your spouse or significant other.
 
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 And the second thing we're
 
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 gonna talk about in the marriage area,
 
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 when you're dealing with
 
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 establishing healthy
 
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 boundaries is set your
 
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 boundaries and do not violate them.
 
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 And what do we mean by that?
 
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 That means when you set a boundary,
 
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 you've had the conversation
 
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 about the boundaries,
 
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 they're realistic and you
 
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 can obtain these boundaries.
 
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 Don't violate that person's boundary.
 
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 If they say a certain thing
 
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 bothers them and that's a
 
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 boundary that they've set,
 
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 don't intentionally do that
 
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 thing and call it fun or funny or joking.
 
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 No, that's a boundary that they've set.
 
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 Don't violate those boundaries.
 
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 That's good.
 
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 That's good.
 
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 Going back to the boundaries
 
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 that we had to set early on
 
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 in our marriage.
 
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 Many of you all know our testimony,
 
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 and we went through a
 
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 hellish marriage for four
 
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 years while living in Fort Worth, Texas.
 
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 And when we came out of that,
 
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 when we were delivered, thank you,
 
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 Lord Jesus, into our promised land of,
 
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 at that time, Atlanta, Georgia,
 
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 and got into a great church
 
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 that taught us how to enjoy
 
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 life and marriage.
 
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 So during that time,
 
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 now we had to set up
 
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 boundaries and those things
 
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 that we did when we were
 
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 living in Fort Worth, Texas,
 
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 and our marriage was canceled.
 
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 just terrible,
 
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 anything and everything that
 
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 you can imagine and that
 
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 you would do in a marriage
 
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 full of adultery and sin
 
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 and drinking and smoking and just hell,
 
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 sleeping around, we did.
 
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 And so now we were trying to improve.
 
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 our lives and our marriage.
 
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 So we had to set up
 
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 boundaries to make sure we
 
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 didn't go back there to
 
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 make sure we didn't do
 
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 those things that we used to do.
 
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 Absolutely.
 
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 And with those boundaries, we couldn't,
 
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 to the point saying oh you
 
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 ain't got enough though to
 
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 worry about i'm not going
 
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 to do that anymore i've
 
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 changed no you need to set
 
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 up a boundary you need to
 
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 build that trust again by
 
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 setting up boundaries and
 
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 when we were building the
 
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 rebuilding our trust in one
 
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 another we set up
 
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 boundaries that we did not
 
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 violate if you are up ministering
 
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 You know,
 
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 you can't go in isolation with
 
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 some woman telling you all
 
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 her problems because we
 
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 know how the enemy operates.
 
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 He wants to get you back to
 
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 that same old situation
 
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 that you used to be in and
 
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 sleeping around.
 
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 So you got to recognize that
 
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 those boundaries,
 
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 healthy boundaries are
 
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 important for where you are
 
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 in that season of your relationship.
 
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 So discussing them, number one.
 
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 Determine what season you're in,
 
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 what healthy boundaries
 
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 look like for each of you.
 
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 Set those boundaries and
 
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 don't violate those boundaries.
 
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 Because violation causes
 
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 more issues than needed.
 
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 Absolutely.
 
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 Especially if you've already
 
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 talked about it.